I'm Not Really Into Writing

D.A.R.E. Is Retarded

D.A.R.E. decided to set up shop in the Piggly Wiggly the other day. Honestly I have no clue what DARE means but I am sure it has to do with some cult. I remember the old "DARE to keep kids off drugs" as long as that drug is not tobacco.

If you want me to take you seriously smoking in the "Cart Area" of the Piggly Wiggly is not a good place to start. This hag decided that lighting up a cancer stick not outside but in the freakin store itself is a good idea. Then says to my son who could not see because of the Virginia Slim smoke "Do you want a coloring book?"

I thought about saying "Why all the pages are brown and smell like whore" but just let it go. After the two of us finally got into the store itself and were able to stand (you know get low and go) my son asked if the fire alarm was going to go off.

Nice job DARE way to pick them, I wonder if they actually test them for drugs.

It's Been A While

Oh how many times I used that line in college. If there was any bitching just throw a "I got mine" out there and the night is through.

Well let's see what has been going on these past couple of weeks.

Brew Crew - JJ Hardy has been sick and lost 10 lbs. That now puts J.J. below Karen Carpenter's final weight. They put Hardy's weight at 190, that may be the first time someone lied about their weight the wrong way in baseball. I look like JJ (only hotter) and I am 5' 11" 185lbs. and depending on dinner the prior night will wear 34 or 32 pants, JJ is 6'2" and wears probably a 26 waist, there has to be a type-o and someone switched the 9 and 0 around. Other news it appears Yost may have gotten it right. He has dropped Vargas and has a rotation that involves Villanueva and Parra, I'm calling a 15 win season for Villanueva.

Politics - Who the fuck cares at this point. This Democrat race may be equivalent to a 3rd grade class, everyday "someone" from one camp says "[Insert Name] is a big bad person" and immediately someone from the other camp is calling for a resignation (timeout) and an apology to all the big people around the world. It's funny the Democrats who preach equality throw the racist or sexist card at you for the person you do not support. If they want a lock-of-the-week-winner go with this guy...well whatever

Badgers - There used to be a special place in my heart for Andy Kilbride, now that is gone and Joe Krabbenhoft is easily the greatest Badger that has ever lived. Sure Michael Finley has played forever in the pros, Devin Harris is a budding star, and Danny Jones owned the paint for Rockford of the ABA. The only thing bad to say about Joe is he shoots for shit out of High School he was recruited by Duke, UNC, Kansas. Rivals.com (recruiting website) say this about him "Joe's natural shooting ability puts him ahead of anyone coming into the Big Ten". People around the country hate Brian Butch and Krabbenhoft as much as we hated Brian Cardinal. I hated Maten Cleeves because he sucked.

That is all I have I will get more out when time is prevalent.

Mark Pocan Sucks

For everyone that says "Oh that Mark Pocan he is such a good guy and he cares"

BULLSHIT

Pocan decided he would lick the asses of a few environmentalists the other day by trying to pass some bullshit about no plastic bags allowed in stores any more. He goes on about dependence of foreign oil, polluting the land fills, Polar Bears drowning, Baby Seal Bashing.

Well, well, well Mr. Hypocrite seems that the only places that can use dreaded LDPE (low density Polyethylene)(the shit used in bags) is Pocan himself. See Mr. Pocan owns a sign shop in Madison, not a large shop but I am sure it pays the bills, and canvas shopping bags. To top it off he is not using PE he is using PVC for his vinyl banners, lettering, through his solvent ink ink-jet machines. PVC is used a lot in the business for signs and banners because it is inexpensive and strong, but it is extremely harsh to recycle, made primarily in Asia, and of all the regular poly uses the most harsh chemicals to make.

For one 3' x 10' banner he produces, is the equivalent to the same amount of resin in over 500 bags from the Pig. How does the old saying go "Do as I say not as I do." If I am an expert at something, it is the large/grand format printing market, and there is so many things that you can now do to print more "Green". I'm 33 and have sold in this market for 10 years, the "Green" movement is the biggest push I have ever seen the printing industry make. There is not one thing on his site that talks about printing cleaner for the environment. While I will not say what I do I make good money off the people that want to print this way, and for those who say "You should let him know"

Fuck him, they way that dude talks he should have led the charge.

HYPOCRITE

Felix Pie Is Injured

This may be the only time I ever concern myself with a light hitting Chicago Cub outfielder. As I was surfing some baseball news I came across this.

"Pie is suffering from what's called testicular torsion, or, in layman's terms, a twisted testicle. It happened early in camp, but Pie had the problem reduced manually, sources said, and was able to continue playing. He was scheduled to have the corrective surgery on the Cubs off-day next Monday, but when Pie reported to camp with soreness Monday, the Cubs decided to get the procedure done today. "

Now after reading that I would think it is season ending but apparently it is 3 to 5 days. The part of having the problem reduced manually is that done by a trainer, a significant other, or himself. If done by himself that would put him right there with the dude who sawed his arm off with a butter knife after he got it smashed rock climbing.

The Cubs have said that they do not know how this happened, right and Kerry Wood has just minor shoulder irritation. I would probably be able to tell you in great detail if this had ever happened to me. Your nut decides to face the other way and you don't know how it got that way. I would have been under the assumption that if your nut got turned it would like a phone cord just hurt like a mother fucker and flip back the other way.

Well at least we know what injury Ben Sheets cannot suffer from this year.

Holy Shit Would You Look At That

The sun actually came up today, and I thought by the way people are reacting that yesterday (and the few days prior) that the world was coming to an end.

Brett's retired, does it suck? Yeah but Christ, I understand it is a slow time in sports but even today it was on all the stations. I probably am one of the largest fans out there, I actually had to miss a game this year (San Diego) because I was on a flight to Vegas, that was the first game I did not see in 19 years. I married a girl who's family has season tickets, thus the theory for me getting married. I even broke one of my child's toys this year during the first 10 minutes of the Seattle game, because it was at the wrong place at the wrong time.

It's OK everyone we will still be very competitive this year. It is not as if Anthony Dillweg, Mike Tomczak, Randy WRONG, or "The Majik Man" is taking over. I do wish we still had Lynn Dickey though because I could say.

"You can beat my PACK, but you cannot lick my Dickey"

Be Doug Melvin

Here is a game and really there is no right answer, nor is it this simple. You have 20 points to use, spend it on the following young talent on the Brewer 40 man roster their value is the corrosponding number.



10 - Prince Fielder

9 - Ryan Braun

8 - Ben Sheets (he is getting paid after this season)

7 - Yovanni Gallardo

6 - JJ Hardy

5 - Corey Hart

4 - Rickie Weeks

3 - Carlos Villanueva

2 - Manny Parra

1 - Chris Capuano



Keep in mind you have Bill Hall locked up for 6 years, and yes there is still a few on the Suppan contract. For those Brewer geeks remember we have some middle infield talent at AAA with Escobar and it does appear last years first round pick LF Matt LaPorta is the real deal.



I think I go this way



10 - Prince Fielder, it is not going to be a regular occurrence for people to hit 50 bombs with the steroid crackdown. Prince not only young has the potential to be a HOF player, and puts asses in the seats.



5 - Corey Hart, I am calling it now he is no less then a 30/30 guy I would be more inclined to say a 31HR/35SB type of player. He is under the radar that is the reason for the value here. Last year he hit .295/24HR/23SB and that is after sitting most of the first month due to Ned Yost's inability to coach. Corey Hart is now my favorite Brewer sorry Cappy.



3 - Carlos Villanueva, I am throwing this out there Villanueva could be this teams #2 starter next year. If he is not in the rotation this year Yost should be shot. He is another under the radar guy that will be very valuable to this team this year.

2 - Manny Parra, if healthy he has some movement similar to Kevin Brown. Parra last year threw a perfect game in AAA. For the longest time (until Gallardo) was the top pitching prospect of the Brewers. He has finally shown those flashes last season and had a good outing yesterday by throwing three scoreless innings. I would rather keep Villanueva/Parra then just Gallardo. Parry should make the club and in my opinion the rotation should be Vagina Man, Gallardo, Suppan, Villanueva, and Parra. That leaves Cappy, Bush, Vargas, Zach Jackson as bullpen, AAA, or trade bait.

Obviously you cannot keep everyone, especially if they all play to the caliber they are capable of. LaPorta will make Braun expendable, Weeks and Hardy have capable replacements, Gallardo will be around a while (arbitration in 4 years), and that sex change operation Sheet's is having will never make him the same pitcher.

Brewers Bullpen Sucks

This is going to screw us in the long run. With Gagne and Turnbow being your 8th and 9th inning guys you have to just assume there will be at least one run scored in every game you use them. Gagne who hold the record for most consecutive saves may set the record for most consecutive blown saves this season.

A change up is the best pitch in baseball and when Gagne was good he had a fastball around 97 and a change around 82 essentially unhittable, now a fast ball at 93 and a change at 82 means you are better off throwing a JUGS machine out there.

Turnbow just is a head case, if you ever want to rattle a relief pitcher call him a gas can. Essentially you are saying that you are putting gas on the fire. So when Turnbow comes out of the bullpen to Metallica's "Fuel" he basically has it down. When he can throw that 83 MPH curve for a strike the guy is the best pitcher I have ever seen. Once hitters learned he cannot throw it for a strike, they laid off and waited for 98 MPH straight heat and blasted it.

Actually, I really think that by May 31st Seth McClung could be the closer and David Riske (Free Agent signee) will be the 8th inning guy. Solomn Torres and Brian Shouse look old, and Guillermo Mota just sucks.

Well here is to Sheets, Gallardo and the rest of the starting putting in 7 good innings a night and an offense putting up 8 runs a game.

Issues

My family and I are currently dealing with some close family related issues thus the reason for no posts. I should be back next week

I Did Not Make This Up

I could not even write a better joke. Last week I was watching "Wheel of Fortune." Not that I am an avid fan but it was on after Leigh Mills. There was your typical lib on the show, his smart looking glasses, he was from somewhere near San Francisco but what made me know he was a lib is that he got a puzzle correct with like 6 letters on it. The answer was some bullshit like:

SPRING ROLLS ON FRESH GREENS

I have no clue what Spring Rolls are but it sounds something like a douchbag Vegan would eat. If that was not enough the next puzzle made it perfectly clear, the dude guessed an M after he had the following puzzle

_ARD _OR_ AND DED_CATION

Are you freakin kidding me.


Oh Yeah for the libs the answer was

HARD WORK AND DEDICATION

This Was On Yahoo...

In a discussion forum about "spicing" up your relationship

"My girl and I like to pretend that we are having a threesome. The third
party in the threesome is a pillow. The pillow definitely knows what it is
doing."

Holy Shit are you serious!! It ended there but I am assuming that their night ends by him pulling out and blasting the pillowcase and making "His Girl" sleep on it.

I will help all of you fish out this Valentine's Day, here is a list of ideas of putting the spark back in your marriage/relationship.

1. Look Up Sexual Slang Terms - I will help you with a few "Rusty Trombone", "The Houdini", "The Copperfield", "Snowball", "The Rodeo", "Donkey Punch". Guys after reading the meaning of the "Rusty Trombone" your signifigant other will not only be in the mood she will probably want to try it.

2. BJ's - Valentine's Day is considered a dual holiday so I will not be this lucky, yeah like the majority of you I receive something once a year on MY Birthday and that is not until August. So for the unmarried lads (or your Birthday is Thursday) out there a couple words of advice. First, don't tell her when your close let her figure it out for herself they like that, it is some sort of game to them. Second, and espically if covers are involved just drop massive bombs and do this before they even go under the covers, let it fester like a Dutch Oven. Third, and most important take them when you can get them because, "I actually like doing that" is a complete lie, it is the most terrible lie ever, it is that or taste buds change after marriage.

3. Porn - Ladies secretly love porn, so the best advice I can give is not suggest it just order it up when she is brushing her teeth (after your suprise BJ). She will be so happy when she gets back to bed, also ask her "if she can bend like that", and "why don't your fun-bags point out like those". That is not insulting it is her answering questions like a teacher, ladies love being smart. Another bit of advice is don't tell her you want to try some of the things you see on TV just do it until she says "no", punches you, or you hear her hip crack. If all else fails, hell you are out 20 bucks, worth a shot.

4. Drinking and Threesomes - I have never tested this theory if I had you all would have known I found the "Golden Chalise." Here's the deal every woman is 4 drinks from a lesbian expierence. Hell I bet most of us don't even know what our wives and girlfriends did in College. Go to a bar, find a single girl (easy to spot they have no man on Valentine's) start talking about nothing, order them a few drinks, and just drop it on both of them, DO NOT tell your signifigant other you are doing this before going to the bar, all you will hear is "I would never do that" (bullshit you have facts). The conversation will go like this.

Bar Slut - Thanks for all the drinks, I just came down for a quick bite to eat (BULLSHIT)

Wife - No problem, sorry to hear about your boyfriend's parachute not opening last month

YOU - Yeah, did he skydive often??

Bar Slut - It was only his...(starts to weep)

YOU - Hey let's go back to our place and all of us get naked!!

BOOM you are in

Now if for what ever reason these great ideas fail you this Thursday, you can always go with "Plan B" that is the "Stranger" just sit on your hand for 10 minuteslet it go numb, and you know the rest. Ladies I will take any suggestions you may have.

-This site is not responsible for any brusies, broken bones, broken marriages, blue balls, murders, caused if you try any of the above suggestions. Results may vary please check with you physican before attempting any of the ideas stated above.

Nothing Fucking Better