Issues

My family and I are currently dealing with some close family related issues thus the reason for no posts. I should be back next week

I Did Not Make This Up

I could not even write a better joke. Last week I was watching "Wheel of Fortune." Not that I am an avid fan but it was on after Leigh Mills. There was your typical lib on the show, his smart looking glasses, he was from somewhere near San Francisco but what made me know he was a lib is that he got a puzzle correct with like 6 letters on it. The answer was some bullshit like:

SPRING ROLLS ON FRESH GREENS

I have no clue what Spring Rolls are but it sounds something like a douchbag Vegan would eat. If that was not enough the next puzzle made it perfectly clear, the dude guessed an M after he had the following puzzle

_ARD _OR_ AND DED_CATION

Are you freakin kidding me.


Oh Yeah for the libs the answer was

HARD WORK AND DEDICATION

This Was On Yahoo...

In a discussion forum about "spicing" up your relationship

"My girl and I like to pretend that we are having a threesome. The third
party in the threesome is a pillow. The pillow definitely knows what it is
doing."

Holy Shit are you serious!! It ended there but I am assuming that their night ends by him pulling out and blasting the pillowcase and making "His Girl" sleep on it.

I will help all of you fish out this Valentine's Day, here is a list of ideas of putting the spark back in your marriage/relationship.

1. Look Up Sexual Slang Terms - I will help you with a few "Rusty Trombone", "The Houdini", "The Copperfield", "Snowball", "The Rodeo", "Donkey Punch". Guys after reading the meaning of the "Rusty Trombone" your signifigant other will not only be in the mood she will probably want to try it.

2. BJ's - Valentine's Day is considered a dual holiday so I will not be this lucky, yeah like the majority of you I receive something once a year on MY Birthday and that is not until August. So for the unmarried lads (or your Birthday is Thursday) out there a couple words of advice. First, don't tell her when your close let her figure it out for herself they like that, it is some sort of game to them. Second, and espically if covers are involved just drop massive bombs and do this before they even go under the covers, let it fester like a Dutch Oven. Third, and most important take them when you can get them because, "I actually like doing that" is a complete lie, it is the most terrible lie ever, it is that or taste buds change after marriage.

3. Porn - Ladies secretly love porn, so the best advice I can give is not suggest it just order it up when she is brushing her teeth (after your suprise BJ). She will be so happy when she gets back to bed, also ask her "if she can bend like that", and "why don't your fun-bags point out like those". That is not insulting it is her answering questions like a teacher, ladies love being smart. Another bit of advice is don't tell her you want to try some of the things you see on TV just do it until she says "no", punches you, or you hear her hip crack. If all else fails, hell you are out 20 bucks, worth a shot.

4. Drinking and Threesomes - I have never tested this theory if I had you all would have known I found the "Golden Chalise." Here's the deal every woman is 4 drinks from a lesbian expierence. Hell I bet most of us don't even know what our wives and girlfriends did in College. Go to a bar, find a single girl (easy to spot they have no man on Valentine's) start talking about nothing, order them a few drinks, and just drop it on both of them, DO NOT tell your signifigant other you are doing this before going to the bar, all you will hear is "I would never do that" (bullshit you have facts). The conversation will go like this.

Bar Slut - Thanks for all the drinks, I just came down for a quick bite to eat (BULLSHIT)

Wife - No problem, sorry to hear about your boyfriend's parachute not opening last month

YOU - Yeah, did he skydive often??

Bar Slut - It was only his...(starts to weep)

YOU - Hey let's go back to our place and all of us get naked!!

BOOM you are in

Now if for what ever reason these great ideas fail you this Thursday, you can always go with "Plan B" that is the "Stranger" just sit on your hand for 10 minuteslet it go numb, and you know the rest. Ladies I will take any suggestions you may have.

-This site is not responsible for any brusies, broken bones, broken marriages, blue balls, murders, caused if you try any of the above suggestions. Results may vary please check with you physican before attempting any of the ideas stated above.

Nothing Fucking Better

3, 6, 9, 12'er

For me I think it would have to be Whiskey Dick.

And for someone to say that Hillary is Pimpin' her out, if that is her idea of good business I do not want her in charge. She did have morning breakfest with some super delagate at Marquette, dude just bail at 4:30 and make the "walk of shame" don't do the breakfest.

Pam Oliver Breaking All Sterotypes

Erin Andrews, Melissa Stark, Jill Arrington, Charissa Thompson all females that when the cameras are on them it is not so much about what changes a particular team will make in the second half, it is more about me yelling at the TV "take off your shirt."

I consider Pam Oliver fairly attractive so during the Super Bowl I was confused when I heard her say "blah, blah, blah need to be better in the GREEN Zone"

Green Zone?? What the fuck was the Super Bowl being played in Baghdad?? Come on Pam 50 Zillion people were watching and you drop a Green Zone? I am serious when I though about the football lingo I am aware of, I thought was the "Green Zone" between the 40's? but after clearing my head I figured she fucked that up. While at the party I was at it was a 4-1 vote that we found Pam Oliver do-able (female in the room only dissenter) breaking down barriers of hot dumb sports contributors is not Pam, eventhough she was better than the clowns on the Big 10 network doing the Badger game tonight.

Informer...The Only Word To Describe The Day

You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blameA licky boom-boom down'Tective man he say, say Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the laneA licky boom-boom down

Laura Mercurio Not Even A Pretty Face

While watching the 47 news last night "Weather Lady" Laurie Mercurio kept insisting through out the news cast that she thought between 5-7 inches of snow. Problem as I see it is not only was Laurie wrong (horribly) but she is not hot, I can take any sort of bull crap information even if it is not correct from some hot news lady. Laurie went down like Geoff Jenkins, strike 1 (she thought she 5-7 inches tops), strike 2 (she is not hot), strike 3 (she kept insisting over and over the 5-7 inches).

If someone like let's say Leigh Mills was to tell me that there would be no snow and to wear shorts I would be OK with that. See Leigh Mills is hottest news girl in town hands down, not only that she may have the best set of hidden "fun bags" I have ever seen, and by hidden that means she does not flaunt them but they are there yes they are there. Now that you all will check them out next time you see her on the air, you are welcome.

Speaking of local news people I thought that pompus bitch Christine Bellport was leaving. Man I hate her, I must make sure before going to bed that my TV is on any station than 15 because if I wake up to see her as the first thing in the morning I will be one TV short after I fire a remote through it. Actually she is married how is her husband not spending 15 in the clink for repeating punching her.